By Dr. Steve
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Ourselves What We Gladly Give To Others
for myself is the most powerful healer of them all.
-Theodore Isaac Rubin
Healing will envelop our soul as we embrace
the belief I deserve.
do I keep putting myself in these situations? It seems like Im always setting myself
up for a big fall! Every time I think that theres the slightest glimmer of hope, the
slightest reason to believe that Im changing things around for myself, boom, I fall
right back into it.
and I were taking our Sunday walk along the lakefront, talking about the ways we manage to
trip over ourselves.
what happened? I asked.
really thought I was better able to see it coming this time. I thought I understood all I
needed to understand so that it wouldnt happen again.
what, Mikey? I asked, still not understanding anything.
thought by figuring it out, I wouldnt step back into it, you know what I mean?
I dont know what you mean, I told Mikey.
thought I had fixed me, but I still keep falling back.
you think that just once, I would be with someone who cared about me for me. But noooo, I
always set things up so that I find someone who needs me, but doesnt have a clue
about how to care about me.
Sure, I know all the signs, but time after time, I find myself right back in the
circle. I know I feel safest when Im needed. I know I believe the only reason anyone
would want anything to do with me is because Im like a loyal St. Bernard, always
coming to the rescue. I know I should believe that someone could actually value me for me
but noooo, have you ever seen me try that tact before?
was running out of ways to get Mikey to explain to me what happened, so I just went along
with his soliloquy.
Mikey, Ive never seen you try that tact before.
do you know why that is?
I cant picture myself being with someone without all the chaos, without all the
noise that goes with being needed. I know my part in that drama real well.
I would be lost in any other play. I think I would be second-guessing myself a lot, you
know questioning myself. You know why that is, dont you?
I just cant get past these feelings that I dont deserve it any other way.
These feelings that it cant possibly be any other way, that I cant be any
come on man, what the hells this all about?
long as Im pouring all of my attention and energy into my partner, its
draining and its lonely. But you know what, the truth of the matter is, its
safe as hell. I dont have to risk very much. Well, at least, risk having to show
myself to anyone else.
know what the real truth is, Steve?
I lost sight of that ten minutes ago.
truth is I dont know how to let someone care about me. I think I would crawl right
out of my skin. Answer me this--just how do you let someone care about you when you
dont believe you deserve it, when you feel like everything in this world carries a
price tag, that things are bought and paid for but never simply offered and
I dont know how to answer that, but you know man, I care about you.
yea. I know and I appreciate that, I really do. But you know what, I dont always
feel right about that either. There were times that I just didnt feel like I
deserved it. Man, its hard to explain. But to be honest with you, thats why I
used to disappear so much. I just couldnt let it in for too long, still cant
always knew how hard it was for you, thats why I would back off, as well. But, we
got past that.
Yea, but I cant get past that with the women in my life. I feel so trapped. On
one hand, I keep setting myself up to take care of the world and then when the world
doesnt give me anything back, I become angry and resentful. On the other hand, I
dont dare try to do it any differently because Im afraid of letting anyone be
there for me.
afraid that Ill be a disappointment to them, that theyll be put off by who I
am. Even if they get through that maze, I just dont feel like I deserve to be cared
is a prisoner of his emotional needs and how he chooses to get them met. The thing that
Mikey is unable to tap into is a sense of entitlement. But you know one of the most
profound shifts that I witness most people go through is precipitated by letting into
their lives two little words, I deserve. When those two words become a part of our heart
and soul, we can move mountains.
two simple words can set us free from the messages we feed ourselves. The messages that
ooze from the toxins that infect the wounds we have inflicted upon ourselves. The messages
that limit our opportunities to grow and become who were most capable of being.
never cease to be amazed at the power that these two words hold for us once we embrace
them with all of our being. Think about it for a moment.
you embrace with all of your being the fact that youre deserving of a life
thats an expression of who you are?
you embrace with all of your being that youre deserving of a life that fills you
with an abundance of love and support?
you embrace with all of your being that youre deserving of a life that reflects who
you are rather than what youre afraid of being?
you embrace with all of your being that youre deserving of having people in your
life who support rather than undermine your well-being?
you see how the process of healing is developing an unabiding belief--a belief that
were deserving of the things we dare to dream about? Can you see how believing
were deserving will bring an end to the tyranny of worthlessness that weve
imposed upon ourselves?
take this a step further.
you recognize what your own self-imposed limits are?
you recognize the areas of your life that cause you pain because you deny that you deserve
it to be any different?
you recognize how your lifes a perpetual conflict between what you want and what you
allow yourself to have?
you recognize how not believing you deserve to become who you were meant to be keeps you
hidden in the shadows?
any of this struck a chord with you? If so, it helps to do more than make a passing nod at
the questions. Putting things down on paper makes things more concrete, more difficult to
ignore. Do yourself the favor of learning something about how you deny yourself, how you
deny your very destiny.
down how your life is affected by not maintaining the belief I deserve.
its time to create a vision. A very special vision. A vision that deserves your
special consideration. A vision of what your life would be like if you sprinkled your life
with those two simple yet powerful words, I deserve.
there a solution to all that we have denied ourselves? The same simple act I
mentioned in the last chapter. The act? Its so fundamental to our growth, it bears
being mentioned again and again and again. Forgiveness! Forgiveness! Forgiveness!
Theres no getting away from it.
you starting to see the link between forgiving ourselves and believing we deserve all
those things our journey offers us. Dont be fooled by this simple step. Many of us
will push it away. Many of us will fight its impact upon our lives. Many of us will even
question the necessity of taking this step.
watch how people discard this simple step for something that is more palatable or more
profound in its complexity. But rarely have I seen a person who fought the idea of
forgiving themselves, not eventually come around to seeing the wisdom of forgiving
the truth of the matter is, it will likely happen exactly that way for you as well.
chemical dependency and its toxic impact on family members. Raise your
children to choose to be alcohol and other drugs
free. Learn how
to in Dr. Frischs, Psy.D. Recovery book series.